How it Started: Part 1
I didnt know this until I truly started thinking about where my breastfeeding journey began. BUT, my journey started all the way back in 2012!
In 2012 , I had a baby girl. I was young and knew nothing about having a baby or breastfeeding. I knew moms did it but I never imagined myself doing and it was never a thought that crossed my mind. I thought I was going to save money and travel europe, however, life had other plans for me. During the delivery it hurt so bad I literally told my sister “I take it back!” she of course told me “Its too late for that!” I found myself in a hospital with a baby girl in my arms.
When It came time to feed her, the nurse came in and had me put my baby against my breast and try to latch her. They said it was very important to latch her early. She wasnt latching, I was frustrated and my baby was frustrated and angry. They sent in a lactation consultant - who proceeded to tell me that I was not shaped correctly for my baby to latch. I felt like a failure and it was only day 1. When I was discharged from the hospital, they sent me home with a 4-pack of liquid formula. I dont really remember a whole lot after that, the sleepless nights and days that came after were ROUGH to say the least.
I continued trying to breastfeed my baby girl, my 5lb 11oz little girl. I would go hide in the closet, because I didnt want to expose myself (not even to her dad). I didnt want to be judged by anyone (mostly because I was already judging myself for my weird shape and my inability to feed my baby right). Since she wouldnt latch, I tried to pump. The pump that I had was a manual pump and when she was hungry I would go pump in the bathroom and hand pump until nothing more would come out. This amounted to about 1 oz. I didnt know insurance would give you one for free. Not even sure if they did that back then and I was on medicaid. I did not know one thing about adulting.
No one told me that the first two weeks were the most important weeks to building up supply. No one told me that it would be painful. No one told me how, I would need to put cream on my nipples to help the pain and the craking. No one told me that I needed to feed or pump every two hours on the hour to build supply. For those reading who dont understand what I mean… if I pumped at 12 no matter if i finished at 1, I would need to pump at 2 and every two hours after that. No one educated me! The mother I am now is so angry for my 19 year old self. But also sad that I didnt know how to advocate for myself. Maybe I would’ve succeeded at breastfeeding my little girl.
With my failing supply (which I didnt know yet), we had a doctors appointment. she was down to 4lbs. The doctor was very concerned, and of course asked me if she is feeding well. How could I know that? Its not like I could see how much she was drinking…
She suggested that we start her on formula. After 3 weeks of trying, this was the end of my breastfeeding journey. It didnt bother me at that time because she immediately started plumping up! It bothers me now, but I had to go back to work after those three weeks. I was a cashier at a grocery store and there was no maternity leave only FMLA and I had no clue how that worked. I took all the PTO I had. After it was gone I went back to work to take care of my baby.
After starting her on formula, she really started thriving, and 12 years later she is amazing and got the panther honor roll (she made straight As all year!) A lot of people like to judge moms for formula feeding. I have no judgment and I am very pro do what is best for you and your baby.
Fast forward to my pregnancy in 2022 when I got pregnant with my son - After the stuggle I went through with my daughter, I made a deal with myself, I will try really try for 3 weeks and if it didnt work I wasn’t going to allow myself to think I was a bad mom or a failure.
If you want to know how it went with my son, stick around for part 2.
